I wish I could tell you that I am a better person than I woke up to be this morning. But I’ll write off the downward tug I felt to the false expectations created by Hallmark. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mother who felt a little set up by the hollow, commercial felicitations! With my kids grown and scattered, I confess a twinge of something like, “they’re too busy…they don’t need me anymore…I’ll just spend the day alone….” (NONE of which is true, by the way, or remotely related to the facts of how my day went!) But there was a tiny niggling for me to step to a very dark place… when SUDDENLY, I knew what I needed to do for myself as I heard my mother’s voice encouraging me to make a Gratitude List. Sort of an odd voice since my mom has been dead almost 20 years. Nonetheless, she could not be ignored so I decided to begin with a list of things I’m grateful my mother taught me; then a list of things I’m glad my mother-in-law taught me and if there’s paper left in the world, then finally a list of what I’m grateful each of my kids has taught me. I won’t belabor you with each of these lists but share here the first one hoping you’ll be encouraged to consider what you’re grateful your mom brought to your life.

I’m grateful that my mother

• was doing her quiet time each day when I woke up
• often had dirt or bread dough under her fingernails
• lived within her budget and didn’t feel compelled to buy me the latest shoes/purse/car/anything
• did not lament growing older, growing gray, becoming wrinkled
• loved to learn, loved to read
• went to Bible study, had deep lifelong friends who supported her spiritually
• had little use for “feeling sorry for yourself (or herself)”
• refashioned her life after breast cancer (twice) and widowhood
• didn’t put much value on her appearance
• had fresh flowers on our table
• made dinner practically every night
• loved sitting on the floor with little kids, especially mine
• found meaningful volunteer work in which to immerse herself after we grew up
• made dinners for shut-ins and had us deliver them
• stepped in alongside or behind me to strengthen me when I needed it but…
• did NOT try to determine my life path and did not use my mistakes to flog me

The lists could go on and on…and far from the earlier “ain’t it awful” stance, I find myself basking in the wealth of blessings motherhood, mine and others, has brought me. May you have many blessed “mothers days!” How about beginning now by starting your Gratitude List?

Wouldn’t we ALL want that for our kids (and ourselves)?

Returning again to Seligman’s study, we find that his team has identified 5 factors which are common to folks who experience post-traumatic growth:

■A sense of hope

■Gratitude

■Bravery

■Kindness

■Religious belief

Giving each of the components some attention could lead us to thinking of ways to encourage our kids during life’s challenging times. In the last blog, we began by considering HOPE.  In this blog, let’s focus on GRATITUDE.

Gratitude is getting a lot of attention these days since it is one of the prime indicators of happiness. Additionally, many of us have come realize it is an excellent antidote to “AFFLUENZA,” that wicked illness which weasles its way into our psyches! Gratitude is sometimes considered to be the opposite of entitlement. If yours is like most families, you could stand some relief from youth entitlement! But here’s what’s really amazing: Gratitude has a variety of benefits from increasing life satisfaction and hope to lowering depression and anxiety! It shouldn’t surprise us that, like so many other mental practices, gratitude becomes a habit (as does its opposite). Here are some ways to integrate gratitude more often into the daily life of your family.

• Challenge family members to express gratitude to someone each day. That could include other family members, teachers, neighbors, parents of friends…imagine the possibilities. One leader who worked with a group of boys got frustrated with “put downs.” She instituted a policy that for any put down a boy made, he had to “fix it” with they came to call “put ups,” expressions of appreciation.
• Use saying grace at dinner as a time to hit the gratitude “reset” button. Begin the habit of giving thanks for three things since the last meal. Rotate who’s in charge of giving thanks. Things we’re grateful for might include having someone else make dinner; being pleased we don’t have to eat dog food; delighting that we have a sense of smell; being appreciative that we have clients who pay their bils; being relieved that test day is over! It’s a good idea to have adults participate in giving thanks so kids can hear parents model gratitude.
• Keeping a Gratitude Journal allows kids to write down three things they’re grateful for each day. An additional benefit can arise if, after each item they list, they add how they were active in helping bring that “blessing” into their own lives. E.g. by going to school, I learned my math so I made a good grade; my music teacher gave me a brownie because I went to the effort to practice my lesson. Remember “agency” from the previous blog? It’s powerful to link gratitude (good things in my life) to agency (something I’m doing is helping good stuff come to me).
• Another excellent way to cultivate the habit of gratitude is to write a Gratitude Letter expressing thanks to someone in our life. I must confess to assigning this as a “consequence” when one of my kids had a stinky attitude (read: entitled little snot!). It could also be a once-a-week or once-a-month family conversation for each member to share their own gratitude letter with the family.
• And of course, then you could take the next step, a Gratitude Visit. I double-dog dare you (or your kids) to write the letter, then make a date to visit the person about whom it was written and VISIT that person and read the letter. Talk about creating a vortex of positivity! Everyone should do this at least once in their life….or once a week, whichever you need!

Of all the positive mental attributes, gratitude has the highest therapeutic value. If you want your child to come down on the post-traumatic GROWTH part of life, teach them and model for them the awesome habit of GRATITUDE.

(If you’re reading this from another country, please let me know how you came to this blog and how/if you’re finding it valuable. Thanks for reading!)

In my last blog, I shared Dr. Marti Seligman’s research on post-traumatic stress, a project which called attention to the fact that many soldiers return from combat better than before. At the other end of the Bell Curve from post-traumatic stress, these folks actually experience what Seligman terms, “post-traumatic growth.” Enduring very difficult times, they come to know they are stronger than they’d thought; that they can be cool under fire; that they can help others survive. In short, hardship helps them to grow.

Wouldn’t we ALL want that for our kids (and ourselves)?

Returning again to Seligman’s study, we find that his team has identified 5 factors which are common to folks who experience post-traumatic growth:

• A sense of hope
• Gratitude
• Bravery
• Kindness
• Religious belief

Giving each of the components some attention could lead us to thinking of ways to encourage our kids during life’s challenging times. Let’s begin by considering HOPE in this blog then the others will follow in future blogs.

Psychologist Rick Snyder at the University of Kansas has worked on a theory of hope which begins when we decide to pursue something we want, a goal (notice this is not about attaining the goal my mom set or my scout master, but something I want myself). Once a person has a goal in mind, a driver’s license, traveling abroad, making the drill team, Snyder says two things kick in, what he calls a “pathway” and “agency.”

The pathway to hope is just what it sounds like: “this is how I can get from A to B;” e.g. this is how I can get a driver’s license, step 1, sign up for Drivers Ed, etc.” At this point in hoping, it’s great to see someone who has actually accomplished what you’re hoping for. That gives you the chance to learn what they did, to see how much effort it took, which steps came first, etc. When our teen sets a goal, a helpful question for parents to ask might be, “Do you know someone who has done this? Can you ask them (or let’s ask them) how they did it.” As parents, sometimes we feel our kid’s hope is unrealistic. Having him talk with someone else about what it takes can provide some reality orientation without our having to be the bad guy! When our teen announces her goal, a useful comment might be, “Wow, that sounds great. What’s your plan to achieve it?” This conveys our approval that she’s set her own goal and implies our expectation that she can figure out how to do it.

Agency refers to the feeling that “I can do this” or “I can do something which will make this happen.” A sense of agency grows over the years. When we’re little, we don’t feel we can do all that much; but as a kid moves through adolescence, his sense of agency is typically growing. . . UNLESS his parent is doing too much for him . . . which may leave him doubting whether he can be an effective agent in his life or not! Teens naturally tend to want to do things for themselves; parents help their kid’s initiative and agency grow by stepping back and allowing the kid to do things. A helpful bonus can be when the kid does have a measure of success, for a parent to comment something like, “Nice work toward your goal! What action did you take which helped you move toward success?”

All of this, hope, pathways, and agency, rest on that first step: setting a goal. Volumes have been written on goal setting but just a note of caution here: like Goldilocks, the goal shouldn’t be too little (video gaming all day) or too big (finding a cure for cancer by age 18), but JUST right. As it turns out, teens often misjudge the appropriate size of their goals. Rather than seeing that as “failure,” help them reframe it as valuable learning. We can do that by asking, “If you had that to plan over again, how might you plan it differently?”

Helping your kid develop a sense of hope is a long process. Begin by becoming aware of goals she is setting for herself (even tiny ones); ways he is figuring out the path to get what he wants; actions she is taking which show she is growing at being an agent in her own life. It turns out that hope is helpful in growth, post-traumatic or otherwise!

As ever, I’d love to hear your comments or applications.

]]> http://kathleensblog.com/2013/05/01/how-do-we-help-kids-experience-post-traumatic-growth-asset-1/feed/ 1 kathleenfischer heart house http://kathleensblog.com/2013/04/18/a-bold-new-realization/ http://kathleensblog.com/2013/04/18/a-bold-new-realization/#comments Thu, 18 Apr 2013 23:21:48 +0000 Kathleen Fischer http://kathleensblog.com/?p=1007 Continue reading »

I don’t know about you, but I just LOVE to learn new things. Especially things which explain life and help me get a more positive understanding.
You may not know the name Martin Seligman but he’s a professor at U Penn and the founder of “positive psychology.” Make no mistake, Dr. Seligman is not a la-la kind of psychologist. But his fascination is with questions like: why do some folks thrive; who flourishes and why; how can we not just avoid despair but how can we savor a joy-filled, meaning-filled life? He’s my kind of guy!
Anyway, recently, Dr. Seligman was retained by the U.S. Army to study post-traumatic stress among our soldiers. Undertaking a study of hundreds of thousands of soldiers, Dr. Seligman arrived at a stunning conclusion. Imagine a Bell curve. . . you know the kind where “typical” is depicted at the height of the curve and represents about 68% of any given population. Now imagine a “tail” to the left and a “tail” to the right. What Dr. Seligman found is that, indeed, there is a group of soldiers who suffer “post traumatic stress,” represented by the left-hand tail. The majority of folks, that 68% in the middle of the Bell, actually return to their previous level of well-being about 3-6 months post-combat.

***

But here’s the really interesting part: the portion of soldiers represented by the right-hand tail actually experience what Seligman has termed, “post-traumatic growth!” They come home BETTER than when they went to war. Their experiences have led them to believe that they’re better leaders than they knew . . . or that they’re cool hands under fire . . . or that they can help people go on during difficult times. One way or the other, trauma has led them to grow. It’s such a simple concept, I wonder why I hadn’t realized it before!

So, how does that apply to our kids? Oh, let me count the ways!!! Other girls treat her meanly and instead of becoming depressed, she becomes compassionate. He doesn’t make the team and instead goes out for the play and finds he is excellent onstage. She doesn’t get into the college or grad school of her choice so she re-doubles her efforts and, wonder of wonders, gets in the following year!

Sometimes, we FORGET about our terrific potential for growth!
Share this reminder with your kids today!
It’s their nature to grow, to become stronger. WOW!

*** I think I need work on my graphics capability! Bear with me! KF

]]> http://kathleensblog.com/2013/04/18/a-bold-new-realization/feed/ 1 kathleenfischer SAMSUNG http://kathleensblog.com/2013/04/15/retraining-those-pups-level-5-2/ http://kathleensblog.com/2013/04/15/retraining-those-pups-level-5-2/#comments Tue, 16 Apr 2013 00:23:59 +0000 Kathleen Fischer http://kathleensblog.com/?p=1003 Continue reading »

]]> In case you missed earlier posts, DON’T MISS THIS :

I’d like to thank my pal, Kay Wyma, for putting me onto this video which expresses what I feel sometimes! You’ll want to check out her blog at

www.themoatblog.com

“MOAT” stands for mother of adolescents and tweens. Kay started her blog in an effort to overcome her kids’ growing sense of entitlement! Sound familiar? Her book is Cleaning House. DON’T miss it. Congrats Kay, way to go!

]]> http://kathleensblog.com/2013/04/15/retraining-those-pups-level-5-2/feed/ 0 kathleenfischer

Sometimes we see something which is so unbelievably creative that we watch in awe. What I’m wondering is, what did his or her mother think while the kid was “diddling,” learning to do such magical work. Watch it; share it with your kids; be on the look out for amazing diddling at your house!

Click on the following  :  Paper Village

I was shaken one night several years ago when another woman asked if my husband beat me. When I replied that he did not, she asked, “Why not?” A smile lurked as I considered a smart alec answer. Then I realized that my sincere reply was profound and deeply rooted. Her response to me was that she believed there isn’t one good man in the world, “every single one of them is nothing but a d___ dog!” Since then I have met many women who’ve experienced the blight of domestic violence.

So yesterday, Saturday, March 23, 2013, was a landmark day here in Dallas, Texas. Thousands of men and a few of us women rallied against domestic violence. There were the expected dignitaries on the stage but also some unexpected ones including the man who came to the stage with a check for $50,000 to add to the fight. Two men, presumably brothers, wore matching t-shirts with a woman’s photo printed on them…the caption on the shirts identified her as their sister they’d lost through domestic violence. It turns out that women are not the only victims.

But what astonished me as I looked around was that I was surrounded by a sea of men . . . men of many colors, men of many faiths, men of all ages. I saw wealthy, powerful men and men scrambling just to get by. I saw men with their sons, some so young they could not have understood what the rally meant. I saw teen boys, taller than their dads, standing together. Men from my neighborhood greeting me and my husband. Men from every neighborhood of this city.

At one point, as I listened to a speaker, I was surprised to find my eyes filling with tears.

To see fine men united for good fills me with hope; it touches me deeply. I wish you’d been there to share it!

I can still hear my parents saying to us, “Just do your best.”

It seems harmless enough, a great way to encourage your kid while at the same time, subtlly implying that maybe everyone’s best is not the same.  But lately, I’ve been examining that common piece of parenting and I think it deserves some reconsideration.

To begin with, do you do your best? At EVERYTHING? ALL THE TIME? I’ll confess that I do not. If I did, I’d be exhausted, neurotic, cranky, burned out by the side of the road somewhere about twenty years ago! The truth is that if you saw my desk or my kitchen sink cabinet, you’d know that I’m NOT doing my best. I’d give them a C- on most days.

But then again, does EVERYTHING require our best? Isn’t part of maturity learning to discern what matters and what can slide? One great mom I know says something like, “In the Land of Big and Little, you have to know which is which.” Wearing the same t-shirt two days in a row: not so big; denying using your mom’s credit card: pretty darn big. Sometimes when I have an anxious coaching client, one who is typically burning the candle at both ends, about to drop, frazzled and self-critical, I ask, “At what in your life do you allow yourself to make a C?” Truth be told, I look around me at a sea of A’s…A’s in home decorating, A’s in soccer practice, A’s in Facebook maintenance, A’s in nail care…A’s big and little. And I wonder, is all this excellence necessary? And, what is it costing us?

Recently, I’ve been getting a measure of the cost of non-stop excellence in the lives of some outstanding young women I know. They were the type of girls who took high school and college by storm. They really DID give everything their best. And people noticed and wanted them in the study group and the work team and the sorority committee. They came prepared with their assignments. They went the extra miles. But somewhere along the way, they internalized the message, “Do your best,” in such a way that they seldom feel as if they’ve done enough. This week, three such young women have flopped into my coaching practice, plopped onto the couch, flung their arms out and sighed, “I’m tired.” Sometimes tears followed. As I listened, I heard similar tales of self-flagellation, pushing, pushing, pushing, exhaustion, bone-weariness. No longer is anyone on the outside pushing them. . . .

I am reminded of a saying I heard, “For the one seeking excellence, nothing every quite measures up.” Is it time to reconsider how we speak about attainment, effort, and doing our best?

I’d love to hear your comments.

This week I’ve been talking with moms of teen girls about self concept, self confidence, and mental health. Reading from Dr. Leonard Sax’s book, Girls on the Edge, we found some thought provoking information. It’s Dr. Sax’s opinion that there are more and more girls who’re “brittle, susceptible even to a mild jolt.” He goes on to point out that between 1996 and 2005, the proportion of girls and women in the U.S. taking anti-depressants has doubled such that more than 1 in every 8 U.S.  females takes anti-depressants. A researcher named Jean Twenge believes that part of the reason for girls’ changing mental health has to do with social connectedness. She suggests that lack of social trust is THE highest predictor of anxiety.

Girls, having trouble with no social connection? you may ask. When the average number of texts per day is about 70! But Dr. Sherry Turkel, director of MIT’s Initiative on Technology and Self, points out that virtual contact may not equate with genuine, soul-feeding connection. In fact, Dr. Turkel suggest, such constant “contact” may put girls at greater risk since they never get a break, a breather, any alternative perspective. What looks like connection may actually be something like a diet of cotton candy.

Which brought to mind my mom and me. In middle school, if I got to feeling down in the dumps, she’d say, “What you need is to go do something for someone else!” In fact, she’d been known to threaten to lock me out of the house until I did. So, I grumbled out the door feeling doubly dejected, only to encounter the little kids next door who always wanted me to read them a story. . . or cross the street to our elderly neighbor’s home, Mrs. Cushman. She was often lonely, having lost her beloved husband. . . eager to talk or offer a cookie. Invariably, I returned with

• a shift of focus OFF of myself
• an action which helped me see the needs of others
• a pat on the back or word of appreciation for being such a good kid (if they’d only known!)

And that brings us to The Green Bean Queen.  (It makes me proud that she’s from Texas!) How many of us endured the slings of teasing? How many of us were blessed with folks around us, beyond our family, who thought we were great? And how many of us remember, many years later, how it felt to overcome those set backs and become who we really are, to define ourselves?

Why not share this with a Green Bean Queen (or King) at your house tonight?

As much as we’d like to think that our teen pups are each darling and unique, the truth is that they share some unbecoming common traits. One is speaking rudely at home. And, don’t you just love it when someone tells you that your kid is so polite, has such good manners. Ever wanted to ask if they’ve actually met your kid?

In recent blogs, we’ve been talking about approaches for dealing with those rude dogs. Level 1 intervention involved being tolerant and considered that your teen may need to blow off steam safely at home. Level 2 entailed mirroring your teens’ behavior for them so they can learn to gauge the impact of their tone of voice or facial expression. Level 3 acknowledged that parents and teens actually have to change the way they have been communicating to include mutual respect, differences of opinion and negotiation. But sometimes we need to move to Level 4 when the other levels don’t work or aren’t appropriate.

Level 4 is based on the premise that parents (and siblings) have a right to be treated with regard. It’s important to remember that what we’re talking about here is not just relationships in the family but learning how to treat people (and how to be treated) for a lifetime. Ask yourself, “How will this tone of voice, this mannerism work for him in a future job? With his fraternity brothers? With a girlfriend?” You are teaching skills. At Level 4, we shift gears and become much more intentional and self-controlled (even if what we’d really like to do is to throttle them!) In order to maximize our punch, our communication style changes:

We keep our words to a minimum, no more than three sentences.

We keep our feelings neutral (no crying, no shrieking).

We refrain from swearing, hitting, taunting, humiliating.

We moderate our voice to low and firm.

We minimize distance between ourselves and the kid, not menacingly, but to three to four feet.

We engage eye contact.

In response to a rude outburst, we may say something similar to, “I would never speak like that to you. I do not expect you to speak like that to me. When you are ready to speak respectfully, we can talk about this.” Then walk away. If he follows and continues, you may repeat your message but do not engage further unless the behavior is appropriate. No whining, wheedling, screaming, spitting, hitting, crying, threatening, swearing. Think of this as similar to when they were little and forgot to use “please.” Back then you might have said something like, “I can’t hear you until you use the magic word, ‘please.’ When you can use that, ask again.” No need to be angry; simply do not engage and move away.

One example I recall involved a middle school girl who walked into the kitchen after school one day and demanded imperiously, “Mom, I need a ride to soccer at 4:15. And be on time. Got it!?” The mother, pressed by the needs of several kids, replied,”Get yourself to soccer. I am not in the habit of doing favors for people who treat me badly. Your roller blades and bike are in the garage.” Her daughter sputtered and fumed but the mom went about her business unperturbed.

Sometimes these eruptions can go on for hours, even days. But when there is a lull, you may want to round out your instruction with your teen. During a private, quiet moment,  you might say, “I know that you and I had a pretty rough day. When you speak to me that way, you make me look like a fool or a meanie and you make yourself look like a brat. I care for you far too much to allow you to treat people you love like that. I hope tomorrow is a better day for us.”

It has been my experience in parenting that what is cute (like the pups at the top of the page) at age 2, is annoying and needs discipline by 5 and may be illegal by 15. It is a parent’s job, according to Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, to give our kids a road map of reality. The reality is that the world will receive them better, they’ll be more successful, when they learn to manage this behavior.

As your frisky pups get this under better control, they’ll be happier  . . . and so will you.